Guilt, Shame & Difficult Experiences
You don’t have to carry difficult experiences, guilt or shame on your own. Together, we can gently explore what’s happened, understand how it continues to affect you, and work towards a greater sense of self-acceptance and belonging.
Understanding Guilt, Shame & Self-Blame
Some experiences can stay with us long after they have happened.
You might find yourself replaying something from the past, thinking about what you did or didn't do, wishing you had responded differently or wondering whether you could have prevented what happened.
Guilt can sometimes be connected to something we regret or believe we could have done differently. You may find yourself returning to the same questions again and again — “What if I'd done something differently?”, “Why didn't I say something?” or “I should have known.”
Shame can feel different. Rather than focusing only on something that happened, it can begin to influence how you see yourself. Thoughts such as “There's something wrong with me,” “I'm not good enough,” or “If people really knew me, they would see me differently” can become difficult to separate from your sense of who you are.
Taking the first step
Guilt and shame can make talking to another person particularly difficult. You may worry about being judged, misunderstood or seen differently if you say something aloud. You don't need to tell your whole story during an introductory call or at the beginning of therapy. We can start with what feels manageable and take time to build enough trust for you to talk about the things that matter to you. I offer a free 15–20 minute introductory call where we can briefly talk about what you're looking for, answer any questions you may have and see whether working together feels like a good fit.
Working Through Painful Past Experiences
Sometimes these feelings are connected to something you did or regret. At other times, people carry shame or responsibility for experiences that happened to them.
Difficult experiences such as bullying, rejection, humiliation, controlling or unhealthy relationships, or periods when you felt powerless can leave a lasting emotional impact. You may question how you responded at the time, blame yourself for not doing something differently or struggle to understand why the experience continues to affect you.
You may also minimise what happened. Perhaps other people have experienced something you consider much worse, a long time has passed, or you believe you should have moved on by now.
The fact that something happened in the past doesn't always mean that its emotional impact stays there.
Finding A Kinder Way Forward
Therapy can provide a confidential space to begin making sense of what you're carrying and how it continues to affect you now.
There isn't an expectation that you tell me everything that happened before you're ready. We can begin with what you're experiencing in the present — perhaps guilt, shame, anxiety, self-criticism, difficult memories, avoidance or changes in how you see yourself and other people.
Together, we can explore the meaning you've made of what happened and the conclusions you may have drawn about yourself because of it.
You might recognise that you judge your past self using information, choices or understanding that you have now but didn't have at the time. You may hold yourself responsible for things that were outside your control, or find yourself repeatedly returning to questions that don't have a certain answer.
Our work can involve developing a fuller understanding of what happened and the context in which you were responding, rather than looking at one moment in isolation.
Frequently Asked Questions About Guilt & Shame Therapy
When something has been upsetting, confusing or unresolved, your mind may repeatedly return to it. You might replay conversations, imagine different outcomes or search for an explanation that finally makes everything make sense. Although this can feel like problem-solving, repeatedly going over the same event doesn't always bring the certainty or resolution you're looking for. Therapy can help us understand what keeps drawing you back to the experience and explore different ways of responding when your mind returns there.
Trying to force guilt away doesn't always work, particularly when something matters deeply to you. Therapy can help you explore what you're holding yourself responsible for, what information you had at the time, what was within your control and what you understand differently now. If there are things you genuinely regret, there can also be space to consider what you have learned and how you want to live in response to that experience rather than remaining permanently defined by it.
Self-blame can sometimes create a sense that there was something you could have done differently to prevent what happened. You may look back and question why you didn't leave, speak up, recognise what was happening or respond differently. How we respond in difficult situations can be influenced by many things, including our relationships, circumstances, the information available to us and what felt possible at the time. Therapy can help you explore your experience within its wider context rather than judging your past self only from where you are now.
Shame can develop through many experiences, including criticism, rejection, bullying, humiliation, difficult relationships or things you have come to regret. Over time, an experience can become connected to a much broader conclusion about who you are. Therapy can help us explore where those beliefs came from, how they affect you now and whether the way you've learned to see yourself tells the whole story.
Self-forgiveness can be difficult when you believe you have hurt someone, made a mistake or acted in a way that doesn't fit with the person you want to be. You may worry that being kinder towards yourself means avoiding responsibility. The two don't have to be opposites. It is possible to acknowledge responsibility, regret something and learn from it while also considering whether continuing to punish yourself is helping you live differently now. Therapy can provide space to explore what responsibility, compassion and moving forward might mean for you.
The passage of time doesn't always determine how much an experience affects us. You may have continued with life, worked, raised a family or rarely spoken about what happened while still noticing its impact in particular situations, relationships or how you feel about yourself. Sometimes an experience becomes more noticeable later, particularly when something happening now reminds you of it or when you finally have more space to think about what happened. Therapy can help you understand why the experience may still carry emotional weight rather than expecting yourself simply to have “got over it” because time has passed.
No. You remain in control of what you choose to share. You don't have to describe every detail of an experience for us to begin exploring how it is affecting you now. We can work at a pace that feels manageable and begin with what you're noticing in the present. If there are things you don't feel ready to talk about, that can be respected.
Therapy can provide space to explore how past experiences may be influencing your emotions, relationships, confidence, beliefs about yourself or how you respond to situations and relationships now. You don't need to have a particular diagnosis or label for what happened before talking about it. We can begin with what you've experienced, the impact it has had on you and what you would like to be different now.